It's 1:23 am,

its one-two-three after midnight
and this silly soul can't sit right
until i get this pressure off my chest
see frustration leads to a lack of motivation
so the sky becomes cloudy from lack of elation
and this light should shine brighter than the rest
but this halo's been tarnished,
perceptions varnished with vanity
dancing on the fence between innocence and insanity
see the High Path and the Low Path really do cross in reality
so as these twelve steps are followed from dissatisfied to complacent
I'll put my pride to the side and leave my ego adjacent
while I present myself to the world and interact with it's patrons
cus it's been far too long since we've been free of violence and devastation
and as I'm searching for something deeper I dont mean to make it complicated
but it's been three years since I've had a real love,
all I need is a man who fits me like a glove
and this silly soul will be satiated.

February

with my naked eye i saw something obscene
something serene in its own little aspect of animality
everything I've known has been broken down to fallacy
and I know there's something wrong with the outside of me
but the in-side can't divide it's self from slick manipulation
so concentration rides the highs and negativity reiterates the sensations
and then I'm caught up in a web of sticky situations
seduction probably the only true corruption
that hinders this inherently tender heart from becoming whole
but even the soul needs to ease the tension every once in a while
so I send out that secret smile hopin that my simple style
is enough to get his imagination rolling
I have seen him in his strengths and even the best still need consoling
so i bring his ear to my chest so he can hear the beat beneath breasts,
place his hands on my hips as a rhythm slips from these lips
and I lean in and whisper so he tightens his grip
see, "Carnal sin," I explain with a grin, "is no more than a moral obligation"
bodies made of flesh are made for the exploration of sensation
but the brain has several ways of interpreting elation
so i switch this oral fixation into an invested conversation
to see if your tales take me down trails of temptation
see i want your words to work me up into silent state of frustration
only to be left breathless when presented with this carnal confrontation
and as fingertips create tracks along porcelain skinned backs
my simple train of thought is brought to a love that I still lack
so i challenge this intention to follow an alternate direction,
becase infected intimacies inhibit the self in the projection
and conflicted souls can't choose using a fearful discretion

so I'll artfully attack this attraction with an uninhibited passion,
undress this self-consciousness to find the truth inspiring your actions
and peel away these skin-tight perceptions and guage your reaction
See i'm not ashamed of the sound of my name and it's implications
when it rolls off your tongue amongst the flood of sensations
because above all else I'm a lover who engages with patience
and as long as you keep me satisfied i'm a lover with determination

I could gladly play Eve if you were willing to be my Adam
I've never known what Eden was like so I've got no problems being banished
I'm being offered fruit on a silver platter and this shattered soul is famished...

so come live with me in exile, where we can start again
and lets commit to heresy, make an origin of this sin

I've been admiring you for a while, from afar
and I'm afraid I'm too proud to admit that I've got scars,
but there are parts of me that I'm trying to share with you.
See the way you pluck those strings makes me think naughty things
and it's these exact sins that contain me,
but I'm tired of the habits that constrain me,
and baby you've slain me.
see it's your mystery that grips me in curiosity,
so would you maybe set aside another night like tonight
to spend with me?
see there's a depth to love that flows endlessly
but it's discrepancy that I lack-
and of all the men I've left I'm most familiar with their backs
so I'll spit this for you with a genuine sincerity
I'll be right here for you if you're interested in taking me
See our interactions seem to strike you as a distraction
but there's a passion inside you that I'd like to explore
and I swear there's more to me than this inebriated existence
see behind these eyes lies more than your brain perceives,
this is just a game of spades and the ace is in my sleeve
and I think there's a talent somewhere inside there too
and I'm really just searching to find my muse
and I'm confused as to why I haven't pushed the familiar forms of seduction
almost as if I'm trying to build an honest base for construction
despite the sensual obstruction that seems to be skewing the views between me and you
see deep inside i know exists something true
but when I'm in your presence it just seems to leave me mute
and it's lies that tie me to past states of mind
and as I try to uncover the truth my incessant youth only helps in hindering me
So I step out of my comfort zone to test the strength of this resiliency
because an infected independence is just a fallacy and I've been striving to find someone to challenge me
but it's not so much that I'm taking what I can get but simply killing time until I can find the best
and to put it quite simply I favor you over the rest
and I'm still hard pressed to find a release to this stress

So I'll fill these blank pages with provocative phrases
let words slip from these lips so you feel the rhythm in my hips
let my eyes fall shut and then dare you to kiss.

so I can see how far I should run with this.

3:53::finally finished

there's a cadence and a rhythm in the visions i've been given
like the soul's in control and the body is simply driven
to find connections amongst deception, reality through perception
but this home that i've known as bliss is really called ignorance
see i've hotboxed the bubble of my existance
drunken directions of affection, succeeding at stoned seductions
but this little bit is better fit for productive constructions
see there an intelligence i hide behind the wild side
because it's been presented before and ignorantly denied
so naturally i've gotta decide who i dedicate myself to,
cus the demands of this daily grind don't leave much time to
dig around in everyone's state of mind.
see there's a depth that i'm determined to asses
amidst the masses made of sleepwalking stress
cus the thing that lingers inside, just past this pretty little dress
resides beside rejection and is accompanied by lies
but remains riddled with resistance,
blessed with intent and an innocent insistence to persist despite
trife life complications.
fueled to find the friendship that lies behind futile frustrations
because even the foolish have the mind to avoid confrontation
see the sun shines too bright to fight the shadows that it casts
so i stare at every sunset like it's the last one that will pass
but when time fucks with the mind and flies right by
it's hard to keep these exhalations from coming out like sighs
so i pick my chin up off the surface on which this body's standing
i focus vision and make the decision to be a little bit more demanding
because these days have ways of unfolding in my favor
like i'm finally seeing the reflection of love in the fruits of my hard labor
cus i'm tired of being a little more exhausted than my neighbor
so i summon confidence and strength with every single breath
and i always wear a smile even when i'm in denial
cus i know out there somewhere someone's falling in love with it
and i keep the third eye open even when both eyes are closed
cus it seems i know a secret that not everybody knows
so i'll try to tell my stories and we'll see how this one goes as long as you
help me combine our languages and create poetic prose
cus there's always a cadence and a rhythm when i've got the patience to listen
and i can find an unspoken connection in every imaginary recollection
so lets interlock these puzzle pieces and get the correct projection
because ignorance is bliss and there's something better than this
waiting on the other side of closed eyes
so i let the light in and let myself rise from this sleep deprived existance
find the fellow warriors to fight in this resistance
cus the way these days have been written on blank pages
reminds me that living is simply loving in different stages
so i dress this articulation with cadence
and taint these rhythms with sin
to tempt your mind into linking whats outside and whats within
so we can clear our slates and help this state start again
cus this story won't be over until we say it's the end.

if i had the time to pick through my mind
and list all that i'd wanna do to you
i'd sit back, relax, and let the passion pulsate through
to the ends of my fingertips, caress the lips
and squeeze my eyes shut and try to picture the lust
that's mirrored back with longing
see the quiver in my thighs reverberates in your eyes
and the idea of your being has opened me to seeing
the core of this connection as a pleasant recollection
but i'm leaking a sugar coated, saccharin seduction
and baby i really don't mean to be vulgar
but i awoke from this slumber craving animalistic interactions
see sleepy saturday mornings like these
[[[raunchy thursday nights like these]]]
are perfect for pornographic actions
and i haven't yet showcased my attraction
without what seems like the inevitable inebriation
see really all i want is an honest demonstration
of how you bring me to such inexplicable elation
how the absence from each other's lives drives me to the brink of frustration
see our long distance love's been riddled with complications,
problematic puzzle pieces placed together, tethered as a testament of dedication
sufficing only til i can wrap my legs around you and commit the sin of fornication
because the signals you send suspend me in a different sensation
and when you said that life is 95 percent anticipation
i found myself caught in an altered state of carnal consciousness
and i've got a mind for mental masturbation
see until the day you sweep me off my feet with lingering kisses
till you throw me onto your bed, till you rip off my dress,
until i feel your fingers tugging on tresses
I'll hold my breath and remain restless cus it seems like you ease karma with your caresses.
and the cold shoulder in me is drawn to your incandescence
so cradle the light and help me learn this luminescence
cus the flame fueling this flight flickers in in the lack of your presence
but i'll burn the candle at both ends and tend to the embers
because after we've burned we'll turn to the ashes that we've rendered
and with opened eyes materialize the state of mind we've entered
like one life cycle had ended and it's our turn to be perfected
so i monitor my vision and watch the depth of this desire
close my eyes, kiss finger tips, and blow those embers into fire,
and as images of you mixed with sin crowd the memory
and while you know you control me in the throes of ecstacy
i realize that time is of the essence
and distance places you out of the question
so you leave me with my letters tonight.

It's been two days since the castle and I'm still having trouble piecing everything together. It was one of those experiences where everything was so clear, so vivid and vibrant that it almost seemed like i was taking in so much that my brain wasn't even able to keep up. Everything was so beautifully and meticulously executed despite the lack of necessities- food, drink, water, and potential dangers- falling off all the pedestals I placed myself on.

Love was interesting to me at the time of inspection simply because even though I do tend to let my mind drift over the Concept, I never viewed and felt it so directly and in such subtlety at the same time. It has been a very long time since I've felt strongly for one person in particular. In my stretch of independence I've found nothing more satisfying than the sense of selfish selflesness that I've managed to adopt after giving as much as I had. With the newfound responsibility of Self comes the radiance of love and happiness and all that good stuff and I've found myself surrounded by the sweetest, most amazing friends anyone can ask for. I Love, therefore I Am Loved. Right? But what was peculiar was feeling such strong emotions with the ex-love present. Here I am, accomplishing innocent goals in my childlike search for affection while there's a full grown man in the background, still wanting to take me back into his arms. But in a blink I managed to transport myself from the rock i was sitting on into rumpled bedsheets, two hours away, with his voice in my ear. I picked flowers, managed to find balance on levers, and climbed concrete slabs to get the highest vantage point- all in an effort to get him to see my adventures. And, once i stood with my hands outstretched, fingers feeling the wind, or when I sat with my feet dangling on a rock 15 feet up, or when i managed to balance my weight perfectly, I closed my eyes and sent a secret smile, hoping he felt it.

I'm still learning how to do it, though. And it's hard not to view this as some epic love story, with the twists and turns and the distances and the declarations and the spontaneous trips starting from years before. And it's hard not to imagine some ridiculous life if these connections manage to weather the long days and cold nights. But at the same time, I can't get myself all caught up in imagery, so I'm still leaving this heart pinned securely to my sleeve and my feet fairly planted on this here ground.

There's something about feeling timeless that I'm absolutely addicted to. It's not so much of how the time passes that amazes me, but more of my neglect of time and space, as if distance was no object.

Maybe it isn't?

I pretended our love had ended before it got a chance to start
See i had been foolishly protective of this lonely little heart
after being beaten and bruised,
neglected and used
leaving me with liquor bottles as bricks,
alcohol my fix,
and empty containers bonded to build walls
because i really can't afford to fall for you again.
But it's just another sunday after weekend number two
and yeah, it's true
our whirlwind whiskey adventures
and our jack daniels induced interactions
produce intense perceptions of affections
and it kills me that i still can't articulate what you do to me
cus the castle of beer cans behind which i hide
becomes dangerously close to toppling when I'm made to decide
whether or not I'll stay with you tonight.
See this liquor laced battle becomes hard to fight
when the silly soul can't handle the inflated ego
And it's hard to stay strong when you come along
because it seems like you're armed with a trio
of friendship, love and lust
but i'm fucked when it comes to trust
and a person's best intentions
so i twist your honesty into hormones
witty words into whimsical conversational war zones
and your intelligence into feigned pretentiousness
because even you just want me to hate you.
see i'm stuck trying to find my identity,
amongst the masses of imaginary entities
trying to sync the self with serenity
but night time addictions present contradictions between the heart and the mind
and my exit strategy just becomes harder to find
because i really don't feel like going anywhere anymore
and maybe it's the energy that brings the real intoxication,
the secret smiles, shared laughs and raunchy revelations
but my brain is possesed by the thrill of temptation,
the joy of being tackled, ravaged by animalistic elation.
see i'm convinced if you were my lover you'd never need another
and all i wanna do is trick you, if only for a little while.
because the secret shadows in my smile know that not all that glitters is gold,
and even gold doesn't last forever
but the things you say can make my day
and the way you make the butterflies flutter is a mystery
like how your internal youth seems to be a beacon of truth
and a testament to alchemy
I can't pinpoint the attraction, nor understand the chemistry
but the passion's stayed persistent throughout both of our histories
strength tested in stress and propelling truth to victories.
and despite shitty situations this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
So i'm living life again with no barricades controlling me
But I've moved from The City to The Town and I've come back around
to sleepy, old fremont,
suburbs subjecting this little one to sobriety,
once again forced to fit in with society,
grown awkward within white walls tinted green
there are no adventures to be had, i'm familiar with this scene
see fifteen is enough of my young twenty-one to be nurtured in this little nest
I know I may look delicate but i'm stronger than the rest.
so let's get this ball rolling and hope for the best
cus we're both back to where we started from
and the shadow you knew found the light within the sun
so I've got the spunk to watch history repeat.
so come to me, come on to me, and show me see where this love leads
cus I need to radiate all the love that I've recieved and for some odd reason
i've projected you as the boy of the season and it seems like the sun is just starting to shine.
So restore my faith in reality and tell me your present of presence is mine
see you're already a part of this never ending story
so come to me in all of your glory
and lay your great mind next to mine.
help me see what i can find when our shells lie side by side.
because I'm tired of feeling uninspired and this
inebriated intimacy takes a toll on this exhausted soul
and these four walls are three sheets to the wind
and this room won't stop spinning so help me cut back on the sinning
and baby just rest with me tonight.